Since the inaugural SweatSox season in 1981, hundreds, if not thousands of individuals have suited up in the red, black, and white (or the red and black, or the white and black, or that one weird year we all wore yellow and purple). But who amongst this crazy group of characters best represents what it means to be a true SweatSox? Due to technological limitations, we’ve never been able to answer this question, until now.
Over the past few years, our team of outsourced programmers have been busy developing an algorithm that truly ranks the greatest SweatSox of all time. Merely sorting our baseball players from best to worst according to their skills & stats is too easy, something the Brewers will probably do one day. We needed to go deeper.
Introducing: The SweatSox Power Index (SPI),
The SPI is essentially a self-contained artificial intelligence that factors in things like: contributions to the SweatSox franchise both on and off the field, the circumstances around the player joining and/or leaving the team, Hyjinx participation, financial debts, length of service, penis size, legacy, team & league awards, statistics, and so much more.
A few weeks ago, the keys to the AI were handed over, and we finally turned the SweatSox Power Index algorithm on and let it loose through our vast database. It took nearly a month of assembling and examining the information, but we’re happy to say the results are in. In celebration of Don Dorion’s life that ended abruptly in 1977, we’re only going to reveal the Top 77; and in the spirit of always leaving the audience wanting more, we’re going to reveal this list slowly, very, very slowly.
THE 77 GREATEST SWEATSOX LIST
77. Shane White (1.4 SPI grade)
Sneaking into the final spot in the Top 77 is Shane White, who is the brother of, and was recruited by: Eric White. Despite never recording a hit in his 9 games played with the SweatSox, Shane will best be remembered for his everlasting friendship with Dillon Lowry, and of course his patented second base positioning.
76. Vance Vance (15.54 SPI grade)
The man so nice his parents named him twice. Vance Squared pitched in 3 games for the SweatSox back in 2001, without making a single plate appearance. In fact, he could very well be the first one with a “pitch-only” deal in team history. His 11.88 ERA just didn’t cut it, even during a 1-win season, so he was cut too.
75. Adrian Delorey (29.68 SPI grade)
Adrian “Delete That Tweet” Delorey was truly a SweatSox ahead of his time. He tried to introduce fitness to a team that wasn’t quite ready to be in shape. He was basically the 2017 Chris Lidstone, 10 years earlier. Delorey might never have gotten a hit or win in his 5 games played, but he’ll always be remembered for what we all could’ve been had we turned 180 degrees around.
74. Daniel Villeneuve (43.82 SPI grade)
Sent to us by the Winchester Sox in an attempt at sabotaging our team, Daniel Richard Villeneuve came in with extremely high expectations after crushing his phone interview with the SweatSox. He was incredible on the field, striking out 3 batters in 1 of the 2 innings he pitched for us, and even better off the field, once picking up the tab on multiple Boston Pizza team pitchers (before he knew how much they were). So, the joke is on you Winchester. Your pawn is the 74th greatest SweatSox!
73. Kelly Adkin (57.96 SPI grade)
The 2011 SweatSox were twice minutes away from playing a game with only 8 players, but one man stepped up and turned an “automatic out” into a “basically an automatic out”. Adkin was 0/6 with 3K in those 2 games, but we didn’t default either of them. Thank you Kelly!
72. Wilfredo Farias (72.10 SPI grade)
Nobody remembers the circumstances around how or why Wilfredo played Game 3 of the 2004 season (a 10-5 GLE loss vs the Rockets) with us, but he is the only player in SweatSox history to go 0/1 for his career. The mystery factor has to be why he’s ranked #72.
71. Rene Brind’Amour (86.24 SPI grade)
The Dukes beat the SweatSox 11-10 on May 24, 2002. Several noteworthy things happened that game:
- the innings took so long that the game ended after just 4 innings.
- Marc Lett was HBP for the very first time.
- Marc Lett took the L after pitching the dirtiest possible complete game.
- And Rene Brind’Amour played his only game for the SweatSox, walking twice in 5 plate appearances.
To this day, Lett credits Brind’Amour’s support at SS that game for getting him through those 4 long innings.
70. Travis Webb (100.38 SPI grade)
Webb played with the SweatSox for just one season in 2002, but the story of his mom leaving her sweat pants somewhere in Ray Cuthbert’s basement (along with the old SweatSox stats) is one of the oldest documented SweatSox tales. Travis was a fine kid, but not even his mom could keep him and his .135 average on the team during the Great Roster Purge of 2003.
THE 77TH-70TH GREATEST SWEATSOX:
69. Craig Hunt (114.52 SPI grade)
Cumming in at the highly coveted #69 spot is Craig Hunt, which is ironic given his family’s position on fellatio. Craig stepped up bigtime for the SweatSox, who were desperately looking for players in the hours leading up to the 2014 Kingston Tournament. Not only did he suit up and play for us, he kindly hosted us after the game through the next morning. I’m pretty sure I, Shaun Keay, woke up somewhere on his floor.
68. Thomas Steffler (128.66 SPI grade)
2014 wasn’t the only year we had problems fielding a tournament team, the same thing happened in our final game of the 2008 Nepean Brewers tourney. For those who may have forgotten, the ’08 tourney was the one where Josh “The Christmas Tree” Ramage got lit up by the Burlington Bulls for 18 runs in our opener, and where GLE skipped the Hyjinx of the next game following a bottom of the 7th blown save against the Crushers thanks to a classic 3-error SweatSox inning. So anyways, Thomas Steffler, brother of Dave Steffler (who once gave up a monster HR to Cory Bond at Southgate), played SS for us that game. He was really good. We lost 2-1 vs New Lowell though.
67. Marcel Levac (142.80 SPI grade)
2014 wasn’t the only year we had problems fielding a tournament team, the same thing happened in our final game of the 2008 Nepean Brewers tourney. For those who may have forgotten, the ’08 tourney was the one where Josh “The Christmas Tree” Ramage got lit up by the Burlington Bulls for 18 runs in our opener, and where GLE skipped the Hyjinx of the next game following a bottom of the 7th blown save against the Crushers thanks to a classic 3-error SweatSox inning. So anyways, Marcel Levac, teammate of Dave Steffler (who once gave up a monster HR to Cory Bond at Southgate), pitched for us that game. He was really good. We lost 2-1 vs New Lowell though.
66. Geoff Kemp (156.94 SPI grade)
Geoff Kemp, a J.S. Woodsworth Secondary School alumnus, was the first spare we called on during our inaugural Tier 2 season back in 2006. We had a big game against John Groves’ Mustangs and we couldn’t afford an automatic out. Kemp came up big in his only SweatSox appearance, getting a hit, walk, and 2 runs scored in a 13-6 win. Other game notes: GLE earned the complete game win, and Craig Cornell jacked his first ever non-Trillium HR, a deep shot to right off who we’re going to assume was John Groves.
65. Pierre Viau (171.08 SPI grade)
The SweatSox have had many spares over the years, but we only made one drive all the way to Winchester to play his only game for us: Pierre Viau. I’m not sure why we never had him out again, since Pierre is technically the all-time SweatSox leader in career batting average after he went 2/3 in Josh’s hometown. Other than that breakout performance, it was a pretty standard game in Winchester: we lost 15-5, Marc Lett pitched an inning & two thirds, Cory hit a two-run shot, and Army mistimed the trip and showed up 2 innings late.
64. Phil Johnson (185.22 SPI grade)
Phil the Out Fielder (or was it Part time Out Fielder), not to be confused with the PtOF OG Phil the Gryphon “Boss”, played 5 games for the SweatSox over 2 seasons, before eventually getting the call up to the Tier 1 Panthers. Johnston was a steady hand in the outfield, holding his own while watching our infield mess things up per usual, and ended his SweatSox career with a respectable .417 OBP. As a special bonus, we have visual proof of one of his appearances:
63. Danny Desclouds (199.36 SPI grade)
He grew up playing Pinecrest Little League, was drafted by the L.A. Dodgers, played in the US for Connors State College and the Division 1 Northwestern State Demons, before coming back north to play for the Ottawa Rapidz, Ottawa Fat Cats, and the Kanata Selects, but Danny Desclouds’ career highlight was playing 2 games in 2009 for his true hometown, the Stittsville SweatSox. Double D currently sits 4th on the SweatSox all-time Strikeouts-Per-7-Innings leaderboard (11.20), behind Kent Johnston (14.00), Mark Dorrington (11.53), and I, Shaun Keay (11.32).
62. Keith Fenn (213.50 SPI grade)
The eldest of the Fenn brothers played 5 games for us back in 2008, making him like the 50th Pinecrest guy to play for the SweatSox. We DH’d for him most of the time, but his biggest contributions were catching games so that Marc Lett could finally get some rest (since we hadn’t invented a Murdock, Nelson, Stinson, or Pidhirny yet).
THE 69TH-62ND GREATEST SWEATSOX:
…to be continued (refresh daily for updates)