AYLMER– This past weekend, the SweatSox participated in the 2021 Cartier Calamity Classic, an expert level golf tournament hosted by Los Vampiros, and just like a Tier 3 team dropping down to Tier 4, we of course won top prize.
*We also finished last.
The 7-team 4-man scramble was played at Chateau Cartier, a course Derek Allen correctly predicted would be “chewed up worse than Jenna Jameson’s vaj”. The tournament field was made up of SweatSox, Vampires (both Reverse and Spanish), Green Bombers, a golf pro, multiple potheads, and even more drunks. It really was anybody’s to win.
The SweatSox entered 2 teams of equal skill in the Cartier Calamity Classic, by using the most recent 2021 SweatSox Golf Association rankings to split the players up evenly. We paired the 1st, 4th, 5th, and 8th ranked golfers with numbers 2, 3, 6, and 7. Basically an autopick snake draft. It was the only fair way.
- Kent Johnston
- Cory Bond
- Shaun Keay
- Ross Hughes
- Mark Bond
- Marc Lett
- Josh Ramage
- Chris Lidstone
Team 3 (aka Team Cory Bond, aka The Quad Side) was the 1st SweatSox team to tee-off, at exactly 10:14am. Our baseball GLE, who has mastered left handed golf and now swings righty just for the challenge, was expected to lead our team to an easy 1st place finish, but he showed up Saturday morning completely broken after a golf-cart ban at Kanata Lakes the day before forced him to walk a course for the very first time, ultimately destroying his mind, body, and soul. I’m shocked he was able to even roll out of bed that morning.
I, Shaun Keay, ended up carrying our team, which wasn’t a good sign for our championship aspirations. We finished with a disappointing +12 (82).
Team 4 (aka Team Kent Johnston) was exactly that, Team “Kent Johnston”. Our Director of Green, arguably the greatest amateur golfer in the National Capital and the surrounding area (and probably even the surrounding area of the surrounding area), might as well have been playing solo. Team 4 played nearly 100% of the Angry Center Fielder’s shots, save for 3 on the strategic “eliminator hole”, where only one shot per person was allowed to be used.
Johnston had two birdies and two bogeys on the front to sit a discouraging even par at the turn. Luckily, the beer kicked in on the back, and he sank 3 birdies to go along with 6 pars, finishing with a -3 (67), just enough to secure the tournament win for the SweatSox, and the grand prize payout of exactly $1,400 ($50 buy-in x 28 players), which he’s putting towards our NCBL team fees next season.
It was a fantastic time for most, although Josh Ramage was upset most of the day that he was only going to swing a club 82 times, instead of his usual 125 (he wanted the extra practice). The afternoon did take a hard, vibrating turn when Team 4’s Bus Cop discovered a used sexual pleasuring device in the rough just past the 10th green, which he so kindly left in the cup in case the person who lost it ever came back looking. If it remains unclaimed, this may be a new SweatSox Game Day Award next year, since the last one worked out so well for us.
Speaking of honours, here are the official Cartier Calamity Classic Tournament Awards, as voted on by all the participants:
- Team 1 MVG: Burl
- Team 2 MVG: Dub
- Team 3 MVG: I, Shaun Keay
- Team 4 MVG: KJ
- Team 5 MVG: Tony
- Team 6 MVG: Heisel
- Team 7 MVG: Ryan M
- Longest Drive: Darren Trenholm
- Closest to the Pin: One of the twins
- Most Beers Consumed: Cory Bond
- Tournament Most Valuable Golfer: Kent Johnston
K. Johnston may have won the tournament, but the big winners were clearly J. Randy and T. Duncan, who 69’d.
Final Cartier Calamity Classic Notes/Thoughts:
- Glenn Williams was the dick that brought up canceling the tournament the weekend before
- Logan Duke’s sexy bedtime outfit includes: a snorkel, a jockstrap, and water shoes
- Aaron Bowlby is not a fan of people choosing soccer over golf
- Josh Ramage caved to the pressure, and did buy-in
- Ross Hughes learned that a PW is not just for pitchers, backup catchers are allowed to use them to
- The SweatSox don’t fuck, we make love
- The SweatSox already had the Grindr, and now we have the Grint
- It’s okay to cup each other’s balls, if it’s for warmth
- Bonerjam ‘03 was a good summer
- Kent Johnston golfs like he bowls, better with beer
- It’s true; I, Shaun Keay, am awesome
- Was Logan Duke actually in charge of collecting the prize money, or did we just fund his beer account for the day?
- Even though 8 SweatSox were on a golf course at the same time, this was not the official “Ocho”. Bold strategy
- “Cart Path Only” is really just a suggestion
- Marshalls will take green or Green, in order to look the other way
- Josh Ramage’s 7-iron was almost deadly
- Mark Bond was nearly bounced into the water on the 17th hole after chest bumping Chris Lidstone post MulliGun
- Marc Lett was losing golf balls on tee shots, approach shots, and unbelievably even on some putts
- Chris Lidstone doesn’t need a reason, or a mulligan, to shotgun a beer
- Swamp Ron, who didn’t jump in any swamps, told me he’s been a fan of my (Shaun Keay) work for years.
- Bring back the slideshow!
- With everybody watching on 18, Jeff Randle couldn’t perform under pressure
- Marc Lett was nearly taken out by a wayward approach shot, while taking a leak in the woods
- Diet Beer is not great, nor good
- Where did our server go? Not since John Groves at East Sides has a waitress just disappeared like that
- You won, if you had fun
- Cop was lights out that night by 8:30, KJ 7:30, and Liddy even earlier. Ross went out drinking dressed up like Where’s Waldo, and it wasn’t even a Halloween Party.
Thanks again for the invitation Vampires, we’ll see you next year when we come back to defend.
