I was not properly appreciated at this baseball game. I showed up, my pants were on, and I got 0 playing time. The fuck is wrong with management?!? Acknowledge me!
And now, in my own words (100%), a breakdown of Friday night’s SweatSox vs Lumberjacks match-up:
EARL ARMSTRONG ARENA- In a highly anticipated showdown between the SweatSox and the Lumberjacks at the illustrious Trillium stadium last Friday, the baseball gods graced us with a clash of the titans: the battle of the only two pitchers in Tier 3 with a staggering four wins each: Eric White (SweatSox) and Alex Poulin (Lumberjacks). Brace yourselves, folks, because this game was the epitome of tier-three baseball mediocrity.
Leading the charge for the SweatSox was the formidable Eric White, who decided it was time to channel his inner ace. With six innings of work, White managed to give up just six hits, three walks, and a measly single earned run. Truly an inspiring performance for the SweatSox faithful. And to top it all off, White recorded his fourth consecutive start with double-digit strikeouts, racking up a grand total of 11 in this thrilling contest. Move over, Max Scherzer, Tier 3 has a new king.
But alas, despite White’s Herculean efforts on the mound, the SweatSox offense seemed determined to take a leisurely stroll through the game. Nick Henderson, perhaps in a state of divine intervention, went a perfect 3-3 at the plate, scoring a lone run. Meanwhile, Kent Johnston decided to join in on the excitement with a magnificent two-hit performance, further cementing his status as the SweatSox’s second-best hitter that game. And let’s not forget about Steve Brown, who finally lived up to his name by launching a solo homer “downtown” in the fourth inning. Kudos to Brown for momentarily proving that miracles can happen in the unlikeliest of circumstances.
Not content with just his offensive heroics, Brown showcased his selfless side by laying down a sacrifice bunt in his next at-bat. A true team player, ladies and gentlemen. We salute you, Mr. Brown, for reminding us that sometimes it’s not just about individual glory but also about moving your teammates around the bases one bunt at a time.
Unfortunately, the SweatSox’s defense seemed to be suffering from a case of chronic inconsistency. Despite not reaching our Opening Day record of six errors, we still managed to commit a disappointing five mistakes. Brown, not content with his exploits on offense and his bunt, also decided to showcase his versatility by contributing an error to the cause. And let’s not forget about White, who felt it was only fair to share in the defensive blunders and gifted the Lumberjacks an error of his own. If only we had the power to assign an error to a first baseman for their inability to scoop a ball gracefully, Brown would have been awarded a second error in this illustrious game. Unfortunately, time constraints prevent us from delving into the remaining defensive mishaps, but let’s just say they were far from perfect.
So there you have it, folks. The SweatSox and the Lumberjacks put on a show for the ages, where excellent pitching was met with lackluster offense and a defense that hovered somewhere between average and calamitous. With a final score of 6-3 in favor of the Lumberjacks, the SweatSox dropped their 2023 record to a semi-respectable 8-5. But fear not, loyal fans, for in Tier 3 baseball, mediocrity is always just one game away from greatness.
Close enough…
YOU CRAZY SON OF A BITCH, YOU DID IT- After an Opening Day double, a triple in his second game of the season, a homerun in this one, and many singles in between, Steve Brown has now hit for the season cycle, the 21st time it’s been done in Sweatsox history. Congratulations, Downtown, on joining the ranks of these Sox legends…
HE MESSED UP- In a stunning turn of events during the SweatSox’s nail-biting game, Jaspreet Sanghra etched his name into the annals of SweatSox history by winning the coveted “I Fucked Up” Award. With the team poised for a bottom-of-the-7th-inning comeback, Cory Bond kick-started the inning with a solid single, making way for Sanghra to pinch run at first base. However, in a moment that defied all odds, Jaspreet’s attempt to steal second base unraveled before Cory even had a chance to reach the dugout. The ill-fated decision to make a break for second abruptly extinguished any hopes of a dramatic rally, leaving the team and fans in a state of disbelief. There’s no denying it—Jaspreet Sanghra messed up, securing his place in SweatSox lore as the inaugural recipient of the prestigious “I Fucked Up” Award.
Final SweatSox vs Lumberjacks Notes/Thoughts:
- How many SweatSox does it take to put in the bases properly, more than 3 apparently.
- The word careful isn’t in Jaspreet Sanghra’s vocabulary.
- Steve Brown forgot something in his car before the game, and something at the field after the game. The rare double walk of shame.
- There’s nothing better than using the shitter on a roof.
- Nick Henderson’s cooler has a built-in combination lock. Sucker.
- Steve Brown’s good side is his back side.
- Are you Team Rice or Team Wheat?
- The SweatSox could use a couple Playboys about now.
- Larry Pawelek has no problem tipping her, he just can’t throw her.
- There’s no sweeter ballpark sight than the Roberto Clemente bridge in Pittsburgh, except of course for the A&W at Kinsmen.
- Larry Pawelek is eating his emotions. The King of Consumption Kent Johnston wants in on that.
- There’s always a fancy donut guy, and a plain donut guy, on every team.
- The SweatSox are a measure once cut 5 times kind of team.
- The Bartolo Colon HR trot is now the second longest trot in the history of baseball.
- There was no asterisk on this Mike Pignat can stand.
- Sorry Kent, lettuce on a burger does not qualify as eating a salad.
- Josh Ramage is not Penske material.
- Larry’s big penis jokes are funny because he has a small penis, per Larry.
- Phil Leduc loves a good position swap.
- We finally got a live viewing of the burning of the pubes. Let’s see if this inspires us in the games ahead.
- I, Shaun Keay, have in fact been to Kentucky.
- You know where we throw our garbage out at work? The Diefendumpster.
- It pays (ice cream) to be nice.
NEXT UP- Next up for the SweatSox was a matchup with the Bytown Barons two days later at Kinsmen. RECAP coming soon.