Once upon a time, some weak, pathetic pussy coined the phrase, “Winning isn’t everything.” Well, for most people in most situations he was right, but I’m not one of those people. And this is not one of those situations.
The SweatSox have won 3 NCBL championships, 2 on my watch alone. Because we don’t just beat our opponents, gentlemen. We crush their will to live. We suck the milk out of their mothers tits. And use it as mouthwash. We rip off their dicks and invite them to an orgy.
Now, most men think they just dropped out of their mothers’ womb like some glorified jellyfish. But champions know they came from their fathers’ balls.
I want you all to think about that during our game tonight. Go Sox.
Those were the words of SweatSox Authority Cory Bond before game one of our playoff run. But now, in my own words, a breakdown of the entire Tier 3 playoffs:
THE SHIP– Last night, Los Latinos made history by securing their first NCBL championship title in a resounding sweep against the Lumberjacks, outscoring the pennant winners 29-5 over the 3-game 5-day series. Their victory not only highlights their exceptional skill, but also embodies the unity and resilience of the Latino baseball community.
QUARTER-FINALS
The Team formerly known as Cuba’s victory was the cumulation of a 23-day grind on both sides of the playoff bracket, that started with the 4th place SweatSox taking on the 5th place Barons. Officially, the SweatSox swept the series 2-0, but this was a series where either game could’ve gone either way.
In Game 1, the SweatSox walked it off in the bottom of the 7th when Eric White scored from 3rd on an infield grounder, beating the tag at home by half a sawed off finger. Josh Ramage got the start and pitched brilliantly, giving up just 9 hits and 1 walk over 6 innings of work. Eric the Pitcher threw a scoreless 7th, and was the pitcher of record when Eric the Batter scored the winning run. Defensively, our middle infield unit (White, Henderson, Cornell) showcased remarkable prowess, tallying 10 assists and 6 putouts, while turning 2 double plays.
In Game 2, there were multiple blown leads, highlighted by a clutch Craig Steeeeeves (Barons) game tying HR in the bottom of the 7th to send the game to extras. Once there though, the Barons ran out arms, and the SweatSox were able to plate 6 in the 8th to take the series win. Nick Henderson led the SweatSox offense with 3 hits, including a double, and 2 RBI. Eric White pitched all 8 innings, giving up just 10 hits and a walk while striking out 13 en route to his 2nd win in 3 days. Defensively, the left side of our infield (Leduc, Cornell) played big, with 7 combined assists and 0 combined errors.
In the other quarterfinal, the 6th place Padres upset the 3rd place Rockets in three games. However, the highlight of that series wasn’t Mike Bayley carrying the Rockets on his back in the deciding Game 3. Rather, it was the absence of any bench-clearing brawls, police intervention, or arrests. Although there were some skirmishes, they did not escalate to bench-clearing levels. Can’t wait to see these two teams back at it next year, it really should be the 2024 NCBL Season Opener. FIGHT!
SEMI-FINALS
In Semi-Final #1, the Padres faced the 18-4-2 Lumberjacks, who had a bye in Round 1 as a result of winning the pennant. This series was not as contentious as the Padres-Rockets series, but it did feature a few cleatings, a couple of runnings of the catcher, and an elbow or two to the head for good measure. Hey, it’s just baseball, am I right?
The Padres, building on the momentum that started with our Cordero game and continued through the Rockets series, took the Jacks to the brink of elimination, but ultimately fell to the Marc Hughes led squad in 3 games.
In Semi-Final #2, your Stittsville SweatSox faced the 18-6 Los Latinos, who hadn’t played a meaningful game in nearly a month, and were coming in on 18 days of rest. Advantage: us?.
In Game 1, the SweatSox capitalized on the Latino rust, squeaking out a 7-4 win, backed by a dominating pitching performance from our Hero of Hydration: Josh Ramage. He may not have gotten the official win, that went to Eric White who blew the save then vultured the W, but the Arsonist kept the high powered Latino offense off balance all night, and is now living rent free in their heads, per them. To nobody’s surprise, our offense was led by Ramage and White, both of whom had a 3-hit game.
None of the Game 1 heroics would’ve been possible without the sacrifice of Larry Pawelek, who forwent his usual pregame routine of multiple acts of coitus, to swing by the golf course and pick up Eric White so our MVP could make it to the game on time. It was also a big step for Eric, getting to ride with Larry, and going from this to that. I mean, if anything happened in that car, and they couldn’t be friends the way they are now, that would be really bad. I’m happy to say they were able to figure out a way to avoid the things that cause the little problems, by coming up with a couple rules:
- No calls the next day.
- Spending the night, optional.
Thank you, Larry!
SweatSox win 7-4 (SweatSox lead series 1-0)
In Game 2, the SweatSox led 1-0 heading into the 7th inning (a Craig Cornell bases loaded walk, scoring Kent Johnston), and we were 3 outs away from sweeping the Latinos and advancing to the finals. Unfortunately, things completely unraveled for the SweatSox in that inning, with 8 of the first 9 Latino batters coming around to score. Eric White had thrown an absolute gem through 6 innings, giving up only 3 hits and an intentional walk, but our Manager didn’t know when enough was enough and tried to squeeze one more inning out of the man who had absolutely nothing left in the tank, instead of making the call to the always reliable pen. Terrible call, Coach.
Los Latinos win 8-1 (Series tied 1-1).
This was one of the most devastating losses both on and off the field for the SweatSox in years. We knew we’d blown a golden opportunity to finish off the Latinos. Faith in team leadership fell to an all-time low. And multiple players were questioning whether or not they still wanted to stick around, whether it be for the Apres Baseball Hyjinx, our next game, or even the next season. What a turn of events. It was just that terrible a call, you Jerk Store top seller.
In Game 3, the SweatSox were still feeling the physical and mental pain from Game 2, and were outmatched in every aspect: offense, defense, and naturally special teams. Paul Septimo threw another 5-inning mercy shortened complete game against us, giving up just 2 hits and 2 walks, while striking out 4. At least we got more than 0 hits this time. And now that I think about it, we may have actually out-left-fielded Los Latinos. Trevor Williams did catch 5 balls in 5 attempts in 5 innings out in LF. Trevor is such a beauty.
I, Shaun Keay, would also like to recognize the efforts of Steve Brown, who played the entire semi-final series on a broken toe. “Downtown” batted .286 with 2 walks, and showed 0 signs of being a bitch. Kudos to you, Sir.
Los Latinos win 10-0 (Latinos win series 2-1).
CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES
In the finals, the Lumberjacks faced Los Latinos for all the marbles, but the Lumberjacks must’ve realized if they won the pennant and the ship, they would 100% be booted up to Tier 2 next year. So they threw it.
Latinos humiliate the Lumberjacks in a 3-game, 5 day slaughter to win their first ever NCBL Championship. Congratulations to the new champs: well earned, and well deserved.
Close enough…
Final Tier 3 Playoffs Notes/Thoughts:
- It takes more than 5 hours for the squirrels to dispose of the peanut shells
- If you’re not waking up at least 5 times in the night to take a piss, you’re not properly hydrated
- There is no app that can properly translate Rotari French to Canadian English
- Marc Lett sat the fewest innings this year, mostly because Cory Bond loves him second most, next to only Eric White
- Kent Johnston sat the most innings this year, mostly thanks to Trevor Williams for being available to play CF
- I, Shaun Keay, will never forgive Larry Pawelek for faking injuries to get me in the games more
- Kent Johnston’s mom thinks he’s cool
- Daniel Cordero didn’t even get last week’s Tier 3 POW for dominating us at Trillium
- Alex Poulin did get last week’s Tier 3 POW for dominating us at Trillium
- Phil Leduc knows pitchers have the best catching tips
- Bitch boy pants are for the regular season, big boy pants are for the playoffs
- Cory Bond once again nailed his pre-playoff speech
- Steve Brown is reporting an undercover cop on horseback is somewhere near the Cheerful Taxremitter, but you just drive real fast they won’t be able to catch up to you
- Only Larry Pawelek has the skills and technique to poop in a water bottle
- Mike Pignat loves green characters: Kermit, Swamp Thing, and probably Luigi
- John Cena volunteered to bring beer for Game 2
- Kent Johnston knows wrestling. Josh Ramage knows H20
- The 5-man wank is impossible to defend
- Louis Gadbois is much better at hitting moonshots off Eric White than he is taking team pictures
- Who needs a Tank when you have a Bay Bay
- Cory Bond’s scoring app is drunk
- When the score is 13-1, the fans might as well be facing away from the diamond
- If both teams are upset with the proposed schedule, it’s probably a fair schedule
- The Oakland Coliseum is real, and it’s spectacular
- Can bats get hot and spicy?
- Craig Cornell spent all of 14 seconds on the bench after showing up 1.4 hours late before getting the call to play SS, without any warm-ups
- Cory Bond finally got his glove re-laced. What did it cost? Everything
- Jaspreet Sanghra can’t stop, won’t stop, burning the lineups
- Josh Ramage was 3 years old when The Program came out
- You must remove one pair of pants before putting on another
- The SweatSox season may be over, but if Mrs. Larry asks, we play Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday this week. Larry is also busy concert’ing on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. Monday is wide open though.
- Now batting, #100, Andrew Oierlihy
- ABF- Always Be Framing
- $450 for a 5-inning championship series mercy might be worth it
- Paul Septimo is definitely playing for the SweatSox next year
- For the first time since 1969, the Yankees are 69-69
- Craig Cornell and Brett Stott have finally found some common ground, thanks Ohtani Rule!
- It must be tough playing in a social baseball league when you don’t like people
- It’s always fair to assume the Bandits didn’t make the playoffs
- Craig Cornell is still bitter about the Dave Rotari led Hurricanes (8) upsetting the SweatSox (1) in the 2004 Tier 4 quarterfinals
- Nothing makes a lineup better quite like an UPGRADE
- Kent Johnston needs to stop it with these useless dives
- They key to good short-stopping is figuring out which positional directive to follow
- The thing about “dirty qualifying” somebody good for the playoffs is we don’t mind when we’re the ones doing it
- If the City of Ottawa built more baseball field, we might get better time slots
- Free golf is the best golf
- The Weather Rock has never been wrong. Kent Johnston has never been right.
- Slicing a Pinnacle in to the forest and walking out with two Prov1’s is worth the penalty strokes, if you’re man enough to count them
- The only thing that can knock me down is two Mountain Blue Coors Lights
- A $70 payment is $1 more than necessary
- Icing is part of the recipe, frosting is an unnecessary bonus
- I got a speeding ticket in the mail for going 17 over. Bullshit. Normally it’s twice that much over
- Has anyone heard from Marc Lett?
#LOSTTHEPLAYOFFS