“Don’t bother the snakes. Leave all the snakes alone.”
Larry White
SPORTSPLEX– Last night, the SweatSox took on the reigning Tier 3 pennant winning Lumberjacks, who showed no signs of any “commitment issues”’ promised at the winter meeting, as their entire squad showed up and handily took care of the SweatSox 10-5 on Opening Day. This was our 6th straight loss to the Lumberjacks, a streak that dates back to July 2022.
The weather yesterday was a sunny 16 degrees, without a single drop of precipitation, far from the Craig Cornell prediction earlier in the week of heavy thunderstorms leading to a guaranteed rainout. Craig was so convinced we’d get cancelled, he made other plans and never bothered showing up, even though Kent declared it a pants-on day first thing in the morning.
The SweatSox opened our season at the Sportsplex for the first time since 2017, a 12-8 loss to the Outlaws in our return to Tier 2 after failing to set the tone in Tier 1 the year before. This was our first of only 4 games scheduled at the Sportsplex this year, so we need to know who the Nepean Brewers (x11) know in the schedule maker’s office so we can get more games there next year.
…and who do the Vampiros know? ?
The SweatSox Opening Day start is one of the most coveted pitching assignments of the year, and to earn this honour you need to do just one thing (per Cory): throw the most in the 14 days leading up to our first game. This year, and for the 6th time in his career, that privilege went to Josh Ramage, who claims to have thrown off a mound twice last week, two times more than anyone else did.
Josh pitched a complete game 15-hitter, giving up 3 walks, 3 HBP’s, and just 6 earned runs, but most importantly he struck out 1 batter, last year’s Tier 3 Rookie of the Year Riley Maude. Maude may never be the same again.
With the 7 innings pitched, Josh is now just 3+ innings away from surpassing our GLE Cory Bond as the SweatSox all-time leader in innings pitched.
Our offense was led by #21 Mark Bond, who is a rookie once again after being too cool to play last year, but then begged to come back this year. Bus Cop was 2/3 with 2 doubles and an RBI, and proved once and for all who the greatest hitter at Ziebarth Electrical really is. Honourable mentions go to Nick Henderson, Mike Pignat, and Trevor Williams, each of whom also had a 2-hit game.
Defensively, we were on point for most of the night. Our middle infield (White, Henderson) combined for 5 assists and 8 putouts, while our outfield (Sanghra, Williams, Pignat) combined for 7 putouts, most coming with a high degree of difficulty. Honourable mention to catcher Phil Leduc, who somehow cracked the starting lineup despite being named 2024 Murdock, for pulling off a difficult F2 in the 2nd inning, the second toughest out in baseball behind only the 3-1, at least for us.
For his efforts on both sides of the field, the winner of the 2004 A&W Kamloops International Baseball Game MVP award, currently being held hostage by the Bandits (we shouldn’t be surprised, it’s right there in their name), was Mike Pignat, who shined even brighter during the Apres Baseball Hyjinx, finally earning his Mike in the eyes of Josh Ramage.
Finally, I’d like to recognize the efforts of a couple SweatSox who weren’t able to make it into yesterday’s game. Kent Johnston, who is training for a marathon that will feature his big head at one of the hydration stations, ran 18km in 1:37:05 the day before, and was in no condition to patrol the outfield while Josh was pitching. He was able to coach third like a champ though.
Across the field in the other coaches box stood a beltless Andrew Hierlihy, who was pulling double duty as the official (hardcopy) scorekeeper. Andrew hurt his back earlier in the week throwing BP and was sidelined for the opener, but did offer up his clothes, equipment, and body parts to anyone who wanted them. Josh ended up taking his belt and a knee. Eric took a finger and an arm.
FYI- This injury occurred at a field legally open at the time by the City, unlike an incident several weeks ago when an unnamed high ranking NCBL official and his (or her) grandson were testing out new baseballs on a closed field.
Everyone else who was there played, including Cory Bond, contrary to popular belief in the stands…
Final SweatSox vs Lumberjacks Notes/Thoughts:
- It’s Dwarf or nothing for Eric
- Craig always has the best head, in any room
- Ross identifies as a 2 spirited penguin
- Jaspreet is Cory’s official #2 in command
- Britannia is not softball central, there is a 0% chance people will be there
- You can’t trust the initial schedule. Trust is earned over time
- I didn’t go to the movies with Ramon, I just bumped into him there
- If the Putty Patrol was in the NCBL, they’d be a middle of the pack Tier 4 team
- Just wait until Jas learns there’s a Lawn Mower 5.0
- Telling a cock sucker to give their tits a rub is probably a suspension. Asking that tit fucker to give their balls a tug is not
- Yoga is a dangerous sport
- There is no “Gout Chat”, yet
- I’m not sure who’s spikes were more shiny, Cory or Steve
- The Sportsplex foul lines were extra chalky, the Brewers must be playing after us
- Jas broke his bat because he wasn’t overthinking enough
- Eric’s new helmet might have slowed him down a step or two
- There is no rule about players betting on NCBL games
- May 10th is Whacking Day, it’s also the day when you whack snakes in Springfield
- Jas likes to dangle hope
- Trevor saves so much money by not buying clothes
- Deep-V shirts are Cop’s go to
- The Montreal Canadiens & Patrick Roy fucking was consensual
- Pinecrest Little League asked Mark to stop wearing their shirts, and when he refused, they changed their name to the Twins
- The train tracks between Colonnade and Hunt Club are uncrossable
- Happy 50th Birthday Larry!
- The gravy was awful, the pizza was microwaved, and the burger was meh. The salad seemed sufficiently tossed though
- The first chew is always the softest
- I, Shaun Keay, want credit for the comped Mother’s Day dinner in Italy idea. ACKNOWLEDGE ME!
- Kent is very happy for my one my sisters, either the old or younger one
#WONTHEHYJINX