I’m here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I’m all out of asses to kick
I, Shaun Keay
SEXY SPLEXY- Last night at the Sportsplex, your Stittsville SweatSox “hosted” the Nepean Padres deep in the heart of their own territory: Nepean. The SweatSox were looking to get back to .500 after an Opening Day loss to the Lumberjacks, while the Padres were playing their first game of the 2024 campaign and looking to build on the momentum they established at the end of 2023.
The story heading into this game was the return of our GLE Cory Bond to the bump. Sidelined from the mound for most of last year with a busted elbow, and the 10 years before that with “Eric-can-do-it syndrome”, our greatest lefty ever was called into action when #2 and #3 on our depth chart were both ruled out by our team medics.
Despite being a playoff specialist of late, our 50+ game winner was only making his 3rd regular season start in the last 8 years, and his first at the Sportsplex since our Tier 1 opener in 2016.
The SweatSox had complete faith in our 20+ year vet to go out there and get the job done, like he has so many times, so long ago. Everyone was looking to his first pitch to really set the tone for not only this game, but for the rest of our season… and what did he do? HBP, square in the back of Padres leadoff hitter Pat Fitzmaurice.
Oh No!
Cory Bond
After a sketchy start, GLE settled down and at one point retired 7 straight Padres, and it would’ve and should’ve been 8 if not for Josh Ramage (1B) figuratively booting then literally kicking a soft, “tailor-made” U3 ground-out away from the base. (NOTE– If it was a “ProV1-made” ground-out Josh would’ve scooped that thing up bare handed)
Shoutout to SweatSox scorekeeper Andrew Hierlhy who awarded that error to Nick Henderson, our second baseman, who was nowhere near the play. Almost as egregious as the Padres scoring it a hit…
To their credit, both scorekeepers did have the correct score throughout the game, so let’s at least be thankful for that.
With the inning extended, the wheels temporarily fell off, and back-to-back-to-back Padres hits led to two unearned runs, and a lead they would never relinquish.
I fucked us.
Josh Ramage
GLE stuck to the pregame plan and threw his 4 innings, giving up 5 hits, 0 walks, 0 earned, with 3 strikeouts before turning it over to the pen, our opening day starter from 2 days prior: Josh Ramage. The Hero of Hydration did his job and kept us in it to the end, but we never could get the bats going against another Padres power pitcher.
Padres starter (and finisher) Mike Howard-Smith, I wonder if his actual name is Mike or that’s just what the Padres call their new guys too, was dominant from start to finish, striking out 3 SweatSox a total of 4 times, and giving up just 1 or 2 hits depending on the sportsbook you deal with.
I, Shaun Keay, broke up the No-No with a hard struck single up the middle in the 5th, and was unceremoniously subbed out of the game a few pitches later in favour of the speedier “Mike” Pignat. When did he even get here anyway?
Craig Cornell added a second SweatSox hit in the 7th on a dribbler down the line, forcing MHS to make a high degree of difficulty play to try and throw the NCBL Treasurer out at first. You weren’t getting Craig out with ordinary effort on that one, hit confirmed. Never doubt Andrew.
That was the closest we’d ultimately get, ending the game with the tying run on deck. The Padres take round 1 in a fun, eventful, but respectful game. We look forward to the rematch later this month.
The winner of the 2004 A&W Kamloops International Baseball Game MVP Award is: Kent Johnston. After getting HBP 0 times last year, he was hit twice in his first two plate appearances of the season yesterday, and scored our only run on a wild pitch (not a passed ball). Shoutout to Jaspreet Sanghra who was also HBP, for obvious 5-game suspension reasons. ?
Defensively, Phil Leduc was outstanding behind the plate yet again, and made another F2 grab in a key moment seem routine. Honourable mention to Craig Cornell, who was thrown onto the hot corner in his season debut and remained cool, at one point turning a double play all by himself.
On a more interesting note, for the first time in SweatSox history, 2 of our pitchers were each called for balks in the same game. Cory got one after a gust of wind caused his upper body to sway just a little too much, while Josh got his for not coming to a complete stop in the set. This is the first time in CBond’s career he’s gotten one for being weaker than a soft breeze, and at least the 69th time Ramage hasn’t heeded the warnings of the umpire and pressed the pause button before he throws to the plate.
It was the right call, I have to know better.
Cory Bond
F^%@ O*&.
Josh Ramage
The “Balk Brothers” wasn’t the only unlikely first new thing to ever happen that happened last night. In the 3rd, GLE was credited with his first career strikeout by way of HBP, when a Padres batter decided jumping onto the middle of the plate and purposely getting hit by a would-be strike 3 was a better idea than getting rung up while frozen in the batter’s box. In theory, this batter was correct, there was a 0% chance of reaching base after an obvious strikeout, but a 0.1469% chance both umpires would be so caught off guard by this unprecedented tactic, the HBP would get incorrectly called and upheld on appeal. The Padres are pulling out all the stops this year, and we have to respect the effort.
Speaking of effort, shoutout to Ross Hughes, our newest #1 Spare after Mark Bond, our previous #1 spare was promoted to the main roster this past offseason, for making a brief appearance with his progeny at our game. He was not allowed on the bench though, since he has yet to put any effort into signing his waiver.
The Apres Baseball Hyjinx was hosted by Nick Henderson, Trevor Williams, and Andrew Hierlihy. Nick supplied the beverages, Trevor brought the Q, and Andrew stepped up with some meat, bread, and several delicious condiments at the very last minute. Honourable mention to Eric White, who gets full credit for coming up with the BBQ idea after our last game, and then pawning the food duties to someone else right before this game. A savvy move by a savvy vet.
THANK YOU to everyone who stepped up to make this beautiful Mothers Day Feast happen.
We’ve always known Cory’s food preferences make no sense (and I think that’s the point), but during the Hyjinx he was brave enough to open the floor, face the firing squad, and finally answer some of the many questions we all had. Here’s what I think we “learned”:
- He’s not into condiments. No ketchup, no relish, no mustard, no mayo, etc. Ever.
- Maple syrup is apparently fine as it falls into the topping category, as does Parmesan cheese on a salad or pasta at East Sides
- Salad dressing is okay because it’s one of the main ingredients of the salad
- No issues with spices and herbs
- He will never be called a double dipper, because he won’t dip anything into anything
- A shrimp cocktail gets an exemption because cock is always delicious (just don’t ever tell him what’s in the dip)
- If bbq sauce is already on the protein, that’s fine because it’s part of the original recipe, but if it’s on the side, it cannot and will not be added to the food
- He’s never eaten peanut butter, but apparently eating shelled peanuts all the goddamn time is perfectly fine
- Straight honey is a no, but a donut dipped in honey is his go to order at Tim’s (assuming they’re out of old fashioned plains)
- Sauerkraut? Get the fuck out
- He won’t eat salsa, but he likes to say salsa: Excuse me, do you have salsa? We need more salsa. Where is the salsa? No salsa?
- No tartar sauce, and definitely no tartar’ing again (aka retartar)
- As an avid garlic bread with cheese connoisseur, he’s never had a grilled cheese in recent memory, whatever that means
- Icing and frosting are two different things, and somehow one is okay, the other is not, I got real lost during this analysis
- His dog to bun ratio can never be 1:1. It’s either one dog no bun, or two dogs one bun. We hope this ratio does not carry over to girls and cups
- A vanilla cupcake is delicious. Any kind of muffin he couldn’t describe because he won’t eat one
- He’s not opposed to milk mixed with cereal, the milk is an accompaniment to the cereal and is needed to complete the dish, so not a condiment
- A black and white cookie makes sense for racial harmony, but not as a food. Out.
- We thought we had him checkmated by putting butter on toast, but since nobody eats plain toast, butter is implied when this dish is served, and therefore good
- To his credit, he does eat corn on the cob the normal way, unlike Josh, who eats it the long way. For the record, I, Shaun Keay, fancy my corn off the cob
Finally, a bit of housekeeping to take care of from my last post, for which I’ve written in my own words…
I want to extend my sincerest apologies to the NCBL Schedule Makers for any implication of favoritism in my previous blog post regarding the scheduling of games for the Nepean Brewers and Los Vampiros at the Nepean Sportsplex baseball field. I realize after talking with Craig Cornell and Cory Bond that such insinuations were unwarranted and unfair. The dedication and impartiality of the Schedule Makers are integral to the fair play and integrity of the league, and my comments were inconsiderate of the hard work and commitment they put into their roles. I deeply regret any offense or misunderstanding caused by my words and assure you that they were not reflective of the values or beliefs of the SweatSox organization. We greatly appreciate the opportunity to participate in the league and understand the importance of respectful and cooperative relationships among all teams.
Close enough…
Final SweatSox vs Padres Notes/Thoughts:
- So I guess we’re just not wearing pants today?
- Good bullpen = bad outing
- Why do I always get pinch-run for?
- Where can we get some of those Velcro spikes?
- You’ve always got to go with the book, more or less
- On offense, 6 of our last 9 outs were 1-3 putouts, and none were bunts
- Mark does not get credit for the sit because he was not in uniform
- Kent’s penmanship on our lineup card was outstanding
- Larry is 0-1 as unofficial team manager, Cory still takes the official L though
- Cory only gained 1 inning of separation between him and Josh on the all-time IP list
- Trevor and his Code of Honour forbade us from trying to argue his out call at first
- Saying totem pole is okay, calling someone a totem poll is most definitely a 5-gamer
- Trevor is the heart and soul of the Duke Chat
- When you’re crushing cans, you need to know where the Larry’s are
- Do you include the clothes you’re already wearing on the first day of a week-long trip on your packing list?
- If you have to pay for it, it’s a condiment
- Cory used up all of his looking-up energy on a fly ball to first, that he couldn’t even look up at the ceiling at Chunk’s. Needed to recharge
- If it’s half the price, you get twice the runs
- Josh loves a good colon cleansing run
- If bad decisions are wrong, Mark doesn’t want to be right
- Many of Cory’s food rules contradict each other, and his gaslighting is egregious, but he wouldn’t have it any other way, but if he did it would be plain flavoured
- Craig gets credited with the first beer spill of 2024, while Kent appears to be spilling sweat from his shoes:
NEXT UP: #SweatTrip2024
#WONTHEHYJINX