Your time is up, my time is now. You can’t see me, my time is now. It’s the franchise, boy I’m shining now. You can’t see me, my time is now. ACKNOWLEDGE ME!
The 2023 calendar year began with a significant roster overhaul, continued with a mediocre regular season leading to a disappointing playoff exit, that was followed by some end of the year shenanigans that may or may not have repercussions for years to come. Let’s review it all:
January
It took about 14 days into the new year for SweatSox Authority Cory Bond to pull the plug on the 2022 roster, announcing that Drew Clark-Brewin, Ross Hughes, Jason Klein, and Dillon Lowry’s contracts were not being renewed for the 2023 season.
It then took the Authority about 14 seconds after the Great Cut to announce their replacements: “Big Dick” Nick Henderson, Phil “the Back Catcher” Leduc, Larry “Dylan” Pawelek, Mike “Peppa” Pignat, and Trevor “No Error” Williams. We’d work on those nicknames down the road.
February
We went to the batting cages one time. We’re coming in HOT Tier 3!!!
March
Bill Beelen announced in March that he received a New Team Application from a franchise calling themselves the Nepean Padres, featuring recently cut SweatSox Drew Clark-Brewin, our team medic from last year. In any other year this sloppy application would’ve been unanimously rejected, but the League really doesn’t want a 6-team tier, so we’re told we better vote them in.
Very late in March, two more cuts were made: Mark Bond, and Chris Lidstone. Cory had talked about it for years, but he finally cut his own brother! Ruthless. Their replacements were immediately announced: Andrew “The Hazard” Hierlihy, and “Midtown” Steven Brown. We’d workshops those names in the months ahead too.
The new recruits got a taste real quick about what the SweatSox were all about, and they could only describe it as bitter. I think we need a bit more pineapple in our diet.
April
On April Fools Day, Steve Brown told us that if we didn’t know what burnt pubes smelled like, we would soon enough. We thought he was joking, we’d learn after the first or second Hyjinx he was not. LARRY!!!
It was also in April when Cory told us we had to give him money. Unlike other months when he demands money for no particular reason, this time he claims it’s for our team fees, which meant it was Murdock Season. Last one to pay, rides the pine Opening Day. It was a close battle, but I, Shaun Keay, was master of my domain, and won the contest. Marc Lett finished 2nd, while Josh Ramage rounded out the podium in 3rd. Honourable mention to Phil Leduc, who may not have gotten a medal, but he did make the Mount Rushmore of 2023 Murdocks. Congratulations to all.
At the NCBL kick-off meeting in late April, our full schedule was released. Why do we have all the 6pm games? And why aren’t all 24 of our games spread out equally between Kinsmen and the Sportsplex? BILL!!!
May to September
The SweatSox season ran from mid-May to mid-September, and like I always do, I recapped every one of those games the very next day. Until very recently, the second half recaps were locked behind a paywall to maximize revenue, but in the spirit of Festivus, I’d like all my grievances aired for everyone to enjoy, or get pissy about. You’re welcome.
Game 1 : SweatSox 13 – Latinos 9
Game 2 : Lumberjacks 8 – SweatSox 4
Game 3 : SweatSox 8 – Latinos 2
Game 4 : SweatSox 8 – Crusaders 0
Game 5 : Rockets 8 – SweatSox 2
Game 6 : SweatSox 11 – Padres 1
Game 7 : SweatSox 12 – Barons 2
Game 8 : SweatSox 12 – Barons 2
Game 9 : Latinos 10 – SweatSox 4
Game 10 : Rockets 7 – SweatSox 5
Game 11 : SweatSox 9 – Padres 5
Game 12 : SweatSox 11 – Crusaders 4
Game 13 : Lumberjacks 6 – SweatSox 3
Game 14 : SweatSox 5 – Barons 4
Game 15 : Lumberjacks 9 – SweatSox 3
Game 16 : Rockets 7 – SweatSox 2
Game 17 : SweatSox 8 – Padres 8
Game 18 : SweatSox 10 – Barons 4
Game 19 : Latinos 8 – SweatSox 0
Game 20 : Rockets 6 – SweatSox 2
Game 21 : Padres 13 – SweatSox 1
Game 22 : Lumberjacks 16 – SweatSox 1
Game 23 : SweatSox 16 – Crusaders 4
Game 24 : Crusaders 12 – SweatSox 6
We finished the regular season in 4th place with an 11-12-1, swept the Barons in the first round of the playoffs, but then lost to the eventual champions Los Latinos in 3 games, for an overall 2023 record of 14-14-1.
September
On September 22nd, we celebrated the 10 year anniversary of the Marc Lett walk-off grand slam that clinched us the 2013 Tier 2 Championship over the Cornwall River Rats. That was a good day.
FUN FACT: Craig Cornell ranks the slam as #1 on the Marc Lett all-time top moments chart*:
- Slam
- Marriage to Kelly 1
- Becoming M.O.M.
- Birth of children
- The Perry spine kick
*NOTE: 2-5 are basically interchangeable
October
In early October, the NCBL sent an all-star team to Clarington, Ontario for the 2023 Dodgers Fall Classic. This team was run by Louis Gadbois of the Black Sox, who invited only the best of the best to represent Ottawa in this tournament featuring teams from both sides of the Canada/USA border. Naturally, several big name SweatSox received invitations: Cory Bond, Larry Pawelek, and Eric White.
The “Black Sox” ended up going 0-3, losing by a combined total of 4 runs to teams from New York City, Bowmanville, and Toronto. The SweatSox did their part though, sweeping the team awards at the apres-tournament banquet (Chuck’s):
Black Sox MVP: Cory Bond
Black Sox Top Batter: Cory Bond
Black Sox Top Pitcher: Eric White
Black Sox Top Sportsman: Eric White
Black Sox Top Manager: Larry Pawelek
Black Sox Top Defender: Larry Pawelek
Way to represent the SweatSox, SweatSox!!!
November
The NCBL Banquet took place in November at a new venue, the Ottawa Police Association Memorial Hall. The SweatSox sent just 4 representatives to the banquet: Cory Bond, Andrew Hierlihy, Eric White, and Justine White, the fewest we’ve sent to a banquet since it was held at that beer-less hotel near Southgate.
Eric was up for multiple awards, and walked away with the Tier 3 Pitcher of the Year, as well as an All-Star nod for his pitching efforts.
Cory Bond was recognized for career achievement, having played in his 400th game earlier this summer. So it’s really just an attendance award, because I know he hasn’t achieved anything in any of those 400 games.
December
The SweatSox ended the calendar year off by once again celebrating Festivus, and Cory Bond once again announced he was donating all our leftover team funds to the Human Fund (money for people), drawing concerns from our accounting department who say there’s no such thing.
Well, there could be?
But there isn’t.
–
IN MEMORIAM
There were a reported 61,000,000 deaths in 2023, but only 36 were big enough to grab the attention of our crack A-Team of death correspondents. Congratulations to you, if you were special enough to make our list…
Frank Thomas
Robbie Bachman
Lisa Marie Presley
David Crosby
Sal Bando
Raquel Welch
Tim McCarver
Kingston Ponies
Cornwall River Rats
Dukes
Sharks
Tom Sizemore
Jesus Alou
Lance Reddick
Jerry Springer
Gordon Lightfoot
Vida Blue
Jim Brown
Tina Turner
Iron Sheik
Paul Reubens
Mark Margolis
Robbie Robertson
Bob Barker
Jimmy Buffet
Brooks Robinson
Tim Wakefield
Suzanne Somers
Burt Young
Matthew Perry
Adam Johnson
Ryan Smolkin
Bob Knight
Shane MacGowan
Myles Goodwyn
Andre Braugher
Final 2023 Year In Review Notes/Thoughts:
- It’s in Craig’s best interest to never shake another hand again
- The best way to watch sports without announcers is actually going to the game
- Kent is only playing baseball until he reaches 400 games played and gets that bat
- It’s not possible to unite the A with the Z
- Kent is OMJ
- You can only hit the Shaun Pond, if you believe
- When you can upgrade a shmedium to a big, you have to pull the trigger
- Always good having another Pt on the team
- Craig would like to know who these fucking guys are?
- Jas has finally committed to teaching Eric how to bunt
- You get a much higher quality of player when you recruit off LinkedIn
- You either have grace, or you don’t
- Between my water engineering degree, and Josh’s love of water, we should be able to fix Mark’s pipes
- Mark Bond liked the Eternals…
- Eric promises to make everyone miserable in Tier 3 this year, including his own team
- Do whatever you want to Ross, anything at all, just don’t boot him
- The only chip on Cory’s shoulder is the one that misses his mouth
- Jas is the glue that holds this team together. If he’s not there, then what’s the point?
- A browntown is better than a blanket
- Josh loves watch the BBC, and I’m not talking about the British broadcaster
- Those Great Britain jerseys are sick
- The only way to get rid of injuries in sports is to cancel all sports
- Never forget when Louis Gadbois went downtown (of the next town over) off Eric at Pinecrest during fall ball
- Phil’s goodnight routine is: curve-curve-fastball
- We all have nips, some of us have 3
- T-Bills is into some really weird stuff, even for the Dukes
- We think gray pubes gets you higher than normal pubes
- cory.nutsack@hotmail.com also works for league fee payments
- Eric claims he never wants to win the Murdock, but deep down you know he yearns for this award too
- We’re pretty sure Phil’s grandkids filled out his computer waiver
- Cory is a Coke Zero guy now?!?
- To mute a Whatsapp conversation, you press the tip of the penis
- We usually set the field on fire with our play, but get it wet again from the tears of laughter after all the errors
- Andrew has to stay at least 500 meters away from elementary school at all times
- The extra B is a typo
- Mike Pignat sounds like a made up name, it’s no Litoris though
- Josh feeds off the hate, nourish him!
- A quit is an automatic cut
- There’s nothing like a monster jack to get the juices flowing
- It’s a good idea to never trust Cory with any information
- Am I a “Council Head of Diefenbunker Employees”?
- I am very popular amongst NCBLers aged 14-69
- Has Kent ever had a dream where the hamburger was eating him?
- The way to Sweatify a recap is to tell the AI to turn the ass kissing up 50%, and then another 10%
- Even though Josh is half the size he was last year, he still wants an aisle
- Never trust anyone who shares an email account
- The Slam was indeed fucking awesome
- Ross can’t risk voluntarily walking into any police hall
- Andrew was afraid he’d be persecuted for his beliefs, but the SweatSox is a safe space
- We have more rookies on our team than we do Mike’s, which is a lot
- Nothing fires up a group chat quite like a Mark Bond boot
- The 2019 Championship recap? The wheels are in motion
- The SweatSox slush fund is for actual slushies
- Craig smoked a seagull on Riverside. I thought we had an agreement?
- Pierre Dorion’s legacy in Ottawa will always be striking out, throwing his bat over the fence, getting ejected, and then suspended.
- Patty is his name, and Cop is who he hates
- Josh hates it when his ducking phone autocorrects “chud” to “Kent”
- Don’t get me started on corn on the cob
- The self-cut earns automatic respect from Josh
- You never defer 69, unless you’re Denver
#2023